Monday, November 10, 2008

Analyzing The Economic Meltdown

The new AC/DC video has been released in Microsoft Excel format. Check it out here.

So the people who are manning the balance sheets of Corporate America are die-hard AC/DC fans, huh? Kinda explains a lot.

New Forms Of Greeting

Scientists are working on a way to identify people by the way they smell - called "Odourprinting."

I highly suggest printing out the web page. If I had it earlier when I thought I recognized the woman in line in front of me and sniffed her butt to check, I'm sure the printout would have helped me explain the situation to the cops.

Uncomfortable Real Estate Transfer

The Obamas visited the White House today at the invitation of the Bush family.

I know it's not really their house, and they know it. And it's not like they're not prepared that they have to leave, and all's fair in political campaigns.

Still, wouldn't it be uncomfortable getting kicked out of your house by someone who earned the right to your house by convincing 60 million people you're an incompetent boob, then have to invite them in to help them kick you out?

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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Rove Rewrites Global Warming History

Karl Rove continued his recent escapades of attempting to rewrite the history of the recent Republican record. He is now claiming that American's freedoms have been the cause of global warming, and that by taking American's basic freedoms away, President Bush has been saving the planet.

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Getting The Facts Straight On Bush's New Iraw Plan

The media has Bush's new Iraq plan all wrong, although they are correct that it will be unpopular and cause outrage.

Contrary to popular reports, Bush will not be sending more troops to Iraq. In fact, he will be reducing the number of troops to just one.

However, that single soldier will be Jack Bauer, and Bush is sure to face imminent impeachment by an irate viewing public as this will cause the eagerly-anticipated new season of "24" to be postponed.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Shamu Gone Wild

Well, Shamu threw a nutty and attacked his trainer. Which brings up an interesting point: why is this "news?" I mean, they are called KILLER whales, after all.

Some highlights:
"Some mornings they just wake up not as willing to do the show as others,"

This clearly falls under the "NO SHIT SHERLOCK" category.

The whale, Kasatka, was back in the water Thursday for a lunchtime performance that went off without a hitch.
What, no suspension? Maybe Terrell Owens should have bit Donovan McNabb in the ankle last year. What's one more injury for McNabb?

Meanwhile, experts from other SeaWorld parks and marine centers converged in San Diego to review Wednesday's incident and figure out what set the whale off.
See above. How would you like to be the trainer for the lunchtime show? "I'm sure everything will be fine. We're just going to fly all the best experts in the country to find out what happened. Please have your next-of-kin report anything to us that might be useful."

The act called for the orca to leap out of the water so Peters could dive off her nose.
Oh, Steve Irwin...sadly you have died in vain. Apparently we haven't learned the lesson yet.

Kasatka and Peters were involved in a scrape in 1999, when the whale tried to bite the trainer during a show, Scarpuzzi said.
So, it's kinda like Britney and K-Fed?

But in captivity, "they're dangerous because they're big and sometimes they're not happy with their situation."
Again, please file under "NO SHIT SHERLOCK."

Kasatka made headlines in 2001 when she became the first killer whale to successfully give birth in captivity after being artificially inseminated.
When Francis Bacon invented the scientific method, is this what he had in mind?

Oh well, so long and thanks for all the fish!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Spacial Profiling

Anousheh Ansari, an Iranian-American woman, is set to become the latest space tourist. She has been training in Russia for the past month.

Prior to that, she spent three months at JFK International Airport trying to get through security.

Jessica Fletcher Is On The Case

A dead body floated up near the filming location of CSI: Miami. "Unfortunately, it's not unusual at certain times of the year," said a Miami detective.

Interestingly, earlier in the week a body was found in a building where CSI: Las Vegas was shooting. Police didn't consider that death suspicious, either.

Only on CBS, home of "Murder, She Wrote" could bodies pop up around the same people time and again and not raise suspicions.

Friday, August 25, 2006

It's A Small World After All

Pluto was declassified as a planet today. In an effort to appease DisneyCorp, which was upset at losing the only planet named after a character, the International Astronimical Union agrees to name the remaining planets after the Seven Dwarves.

In a related story, to achieve a seven-planet solar system to accomodate this new naming convention, DisneyCorp was allowed to use a super-secret missle stored in EuroDisney to destroy the planet Uranus. DisneyCorp executives said the planet's name made them "uncomfortable."

Monday, July 17, 2006

Mourning A Mouthful: Hooters Chairman Dies

Robert Brooks, Chairman of Hooters, passed away Sunday. A date for funeral services was not announced, although the family did say he would be dressed in his finest cutoff t-shirt and orange short-shorts.

He will then be battered and deep fried, and laid to rest atop a bed of lettuce with a side of bleu cheese.