Monday, July 17, 2006

Mourning A Mouthful: Hooters Chairman Dies

Robert Brooks, Chairman of Hooters, passed away Sunday. A date for funeral services was not announced, although the family did say he would be dressed in his finest cutoff t-shirt and orange short-shorts.

He will then be battered and deep fried, and laid to rest atop a bed of lettuce with a side of bleu cheese.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Satan Joins Big Dig Debate - Claims Bechtel Bungled Hell

HADES (AP) - A suprise voice was added to the debate over Boston's Big Dig tunnel failures - none other than the devil himself.

"I hired (Big Dig contractor) Becthel to build a new annex down here," said Lucifer. "I thought they'd do a good job since they were coming here eventually, but nope."

Lucifer alleges that all the structures were built with highly flammable material.

"I mean, c'mon, it's hell," said Lucifer. "Pardon the pun, but what the hell were they thinking? Just watch 'Little Nicky' on cable sometime - there's fire down here. Jesus!"

Officials at Bechtel stressed that local demon supervisors signed off on the design.

"Yeah, like I have a large talent pool of scrupulous, honest, intelligent engineers to choose from down here?" asked Lucifer, incredulous. "That's what I was paying THEM for. Well, that's it, their deal with me is finished. Starting tomorrow, everyone in the United States will recognize George W. Bush as the cheap Dan Quayle clone that he is."

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Fried Spam

I love going through my SPAM filter just to see the bizarre ways they'll try to get your attention.
For example, adding a "RE:" to is to make you think you initiated contact. I got one today that said:

"RE: Female Gushing Orgasm"

Now, let's see...I don't seem to remember sending out any email with the title "Female Gushing Orgasm." I am pretty sure that one would have stood out. I may have sent one to my wife that said "Can You Pick Up Milk At The Store" but I am sure this was quite different.

My other favorite tactic is to intentionally mangle the subject. I actually got one that combined both:
"RE: 3ff3ctive M3dicine C0uld B3 Ch3ap!"

Whoa! I must be really spacing out. I really don't remember sending out anything where I decided to elude the Homeland Security officials reading my email with the oh-so-clever code of changing all my e's to 3's. I could get farther with a ceral-box decoder ring.

All in all, though, I hope the government screeners enjoyed my emails about F3mal3 Gushing 0rgasms.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Japanese Prime Minisuter Accidentally Weds Bush and Presley

WASHINGTON, DC - Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi got carried away during his recent Graceland visit and accidentally wed George W. Bush and Lisa Marie Presley.

"We thought he was trying to emulate the real Elvis," said White house spokesman Tony Snow. "But unfortunately it turns out he's actually a big fan of Vegas Elvis impersonators."

White House lawyers were scrambling to research precendents to see if the vows are binding.
"So far it doesn't look good," said a source. "It looks like he's afforded the same legal standing as a cruise ship captain for weddings. Laura is mad as hell."

Reactions from Presley's family were similarly negative.

"Accident or no, I can't believe she would get involved with a freak like that," said Presley's ex-husband Michael Jackson.

WASHINGTON NOTES: Top domestic security analysts report that the most pressing, immediate danger to national security is the fact Kennedys are allowed to drive in the capital after midnight...Following the Republican Party's actions against The New York Times, Neo-Nazi groups are reportedly going to ask that the media be prosecuted for reporting the Holocaust...A NASA source says the Space Shuttle will be launched this week, brushing aside safety concerns that were raised earlier. "If something goes wrong, we'll just send them to the ISS and then we'll send shuttle Atlantis to bring them home." When asked what would happen if the same problem befell Atlantis, the source said, "Uhh, we also have Endeavour. Third time's a charm?"

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Stupidest Thing I Ever Did

I just posted this on a comedy forum and figured I'd re-post it here...

In college I went looking for my roomate. He liked a girl on the sixth floor of MacDonald Tower (UMiami), so I checked there first. Neither of them are there so I was chatting with her roomate. There was an ironing board in the middle of the room with an iron on it and I walked over to it and said, "Is this thing on" while tapping it and finally tentatively pressing my hand to it. She said, "You jackass" thinking I was joking around but the sad part was I really wasn't.

Fast forward a couple of hours later. Still can't find my roomate. I go down to the 6th floor again. This time the girl he liked was there but she hadn't seen him. I see the iron and ironing board and say, "Jill - I did the stupidest thing ever earlier. I was talking to Andrea and said, 'Hey, is this thing on?'" - at that point i walked over to the iron and dramatically grabbed it full grip - no tentative test tapping.I observed three things at once: The freshly-ironed clothes that were not there before; Jill's look of utter horror; and the searing pain.

Somehow I had enough presence of mind to say "Correction: Second Stupidest Thing!" as I ran to the bathroom sinks.

Superman Returns (SPOILER!!)

If you haven't seen Superman Returns, don't read this. Big spoiler discussed.

I mean it...

OK, if you've seen Superman Returns and Kevin Smith's Mallrats, I think these quotes must have come to mind when Superman is revealed to be the father of Lois' son:

T.S. Quint: But they're engaged.
Brodie: Doesn't matter, can't happen.
T.S. Quint: Why not? It's bound to come up.
Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?
T.S. Quint: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.
T.S. Quint: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to man of steel coital debates with you in the food court?