Bush Administration Expands War On Terror

WASHINGTON, DC - President Bush today announced his intention to open up a new front on the War On Terror, this time against Sparrowhawks.

"These creatures are a menace to America," Bush said in a news conference to a wildly cheering crowd at the "Impartial Americans for a Republican America" dinner this afternoon. "We can't have birds flying over our unsecured borders and terrorizing innocent Squirrel-Americans. Before you know it they'll be flying into buildings."

"That's why I am challenging Congress to build a 35-foot tall fence around our borders," Bush said. "If God wanted these birds to use our services, pray to our God, take our jobs and eat our Squirrel-Americans, he would have given them a green card and a map to Shoney's like He gives to every legal immigrant."

Additionally, Bush said he has begun a deforestation plan on federal lands to limit Sparrowhawk habitats, and had approved 15 companies to submit their best bids for development rights.

WASHINGTON NOTES: Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlmen urged the President to rescind any disaster aid for Northeast Flooding this year, insisting that it was God's punishment for them voting against the President in the last election. He added that the recent phenomenon where every Republican in Washington complained about stigmata spelling out "Hey War Profiteers: Go to hell - there are some things even I don't forgive!" was just a bad reaction to an unusally humid Washington spring...15 different subsidieries of Halliburton were endorsed by Vice President Dick Cheney to President Bush to bid on the National Forest Redevelopment...New White House Spokesman Mr. T detailed the new Administration policy to punish anyone harboring political satirists critical to the Administration. "I pity the fool who pities the fools," said T...The surprise hiring of Mr. T was seen as President Bush's latest salvo vs. mainstream Hollywood, as aides close to the President say he has never forgiven Hollywood for shutting out DC Cab from the 1983 Oscars.